TW: Self-harm, suicide, abuse, sexual assault (I know that’s a lot, but I’m learning just how much it’s all connected)
I haven’t physically harmed myself in almost four years. That’s something I’m incredibly proud of, as I haven’t achieved that sort of length since I began self-harming at 16. Have I wanted to at times? Absolutely. But thanks to a mix of distress tolerance activities and an amazing support system, I’m usually able to quiet that voice.
Physically, that is.
Since the whirlwind of the shutdown in 2020, it was almost like I was secretly gaining new destructive behaviors that I wasn’t even aware of. I won’t be sharing them (my parents read this blog and while I’m 28, I guess I’m still “their baby”) but in the course of a year I did things from running up my credit cards to the degree of a few thousand dollars to almost torpedoing my career and some friendships in a BIG way. 2021 brought a lot of the same energy, particularly in the sense of work as I took on new jobs to help me switch industries but required large pay cuts.
I gave into my depression in large ways in 2021. I called off and left early from my jobs at Ulta and Nordstrom more times than I can count, whether it was migraines from stress or simply being unable to pull myself out of bed in the morning. Even at my current job that I ADORE, it only took me a couple of months to fall into the same patterns.
While I was acutely aware of this around the end of 2021, it didn’t really hit me until a few months ago that I’ve spent the past few years on a path of major self-sabotage that didn’t have an end in sight. It was a never-ending cycle; My mental health would take the reins and would trigger the “why does any of this even matter?” thoughts, which would cause a round of “I’m not doing anything productive in my life” thoughts, circling back to “I’m already a failure, I might as well accept it.” As nonsensical as it seems, these things would turn on when things were starting to feel good in my life.
Doing well at work and receiving praise for what I do? Let’s just not show up, also affecting the money I make. My relationship with my partner is strong? Let’s pick a fight and see how far I can push him. My friends want to spend time with me? Let’s refuse to see them no matter how much I need their comfort.
I’ve been reading Dr. Nicole LePera’s book “How to Do the Work” and just today, learned about how we fall into these cycles when you grew up in a household that ran on stress because your body is used to the spikes in negative emotion to the point where you almost crave it. I spent my formative years not only grappling with my brother assaulting me, but also living in constant fear of his verbal, emotional and sometimes psychological abuse. Somewhere inside of me, my body began to see that as the norm.
Dr. LePera also talked about the concept of trauma body, which is when trauma you’ve experienced not only affects your mental health, but your physical health as well. There’s a major connection between chronic illness and PTSD. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I was assaulted when I was nine and my (formerly acute, now chronic) migraines started shortly after. It’s not an accident that the time I started to process how the assault really affected my life was when I started having massive stomach issues.
Partially thanks to a recent run-in with someone on my brother’s “side” that had also happened in 2019, my mental health is currently in a bad spot. I’ve been “using” this as an opportunity to see how my body reacts. Since Thanksgiving weekend, I’ve had awful migraines, I’ve felt crippling fatigue and have spent a couple of days sleeping the entire day. While I know some of my brain fog comes from having Covid back in October 2020, I’ve been unable to keep thoughts straight in almost any capacity. I’ve barely been eating or communicating with anybody.
All of these issues have been pushing me back into some of those harmful behaviors. Shutting myself off from my friends and family. Calling off of work more than what’s probably necessary. Last weekend, I got drunker than I have been in YEARS (granted, we were making glögg where drinking is part of the fun, but I certainly didn’t have to drink the way I did). Even while I’m able to recognize the unhealthy behaviors, pulling myself out of them is nearly impossible.
Will things get better? I’m sure of it. I’ve survived everything so far and I have no doubt I’ll come out of this eventually. I simply think it’s important to acknowledge that while most people see self-harm as strictly physical, there’s a large mental piece that can touch every area of your life. There are many other forms that it can take (overworking, risky sexual behavior, etc) but the things I’ve shared have been my experience for almost four years now.
I’m only about a third of the way through Dr. LePera’s book at the moment, but I cannot recommend it enough. Everyone has trauma of some kind and rather than keeping it inside and letting it eat away at every aspect of your life in ways both big and small, take some time to consider the people and resources that can help you identify your stress and guide you back onto a good path.
That’s my plan anyway. I’ll pull myself out of this doing whatever it takes.
Rose’s Ramblings 