Every time I’ve had to share about key moments in my life, I always joke that God has a tendency to talk to me through music, whether it’s by sending me a new song on the radio or making me really hear a song I’ve heard a million times. Most people who know me know I love the song “When You Believe” from “The Prince of Egypt,” so I’ve found myself bringing up the soundtrack on Spotify more than usual these past few months. One day last month while driving to work, I went to play “When You Believe,” but something tugged on me to listen to “Through Heaven’s Eyes.” It’s another song from the movie I love, I just didn’t know it as well since I didn’t have to sing it at graduation every year in high school (although if you haven’t listened to either, you must look them up on YouTube right now–go on, this blog will still be here when you get back).
I was taken back to a couple of retreats from years past where the theme of the song has been brought up. I enjoyed the talks that touched on the theme, but I have to admit that I never really put too much thought into it. Flash forward to January 2019 as I’m driving to work and listening to Brian Stokes Mitchell’s magical voice singing about how you can’t see your value through the eyes of man, but only through Heaven’s eyes, and lately it’s really struck a chord with me.
I talked before about how December was a rough month for me, but I didn’t get into why, and the stress ended up carrying into January, which honestly scared me. One of my uncles died suddenly a couple of weeks into December, and it brought up about a million unresolved family issues for me, which tanked my mental health farther than I’d seen it go in awhile (and yes, that includes the dip from a few months ago). I felt like I was a soulless body just going through the motions trying to make sense of everything going on. I didn’t want to admit how upset I was, but it really rattled me, and it still really hurts.
I thought I’d moved past it by the time the new year started, but I wasn’t putting up as good of a front as I thought. I was starting to feel like I was doing a terrible job at everything I did, whether it was work, keeping in touch with friends or even existing. There was one day where I honestly started to weigh whether I needed to seek treatment, so I called a friend to talk it out. She first pointed out to me that the fact that I was asking for help showed that I was in a better place than I thought. She also told me that I had so much more to work for and look forward to. I shook off the dread, got ready for work, and moved forward.
On that drive to work, I put “Through Heaven’s Eyes” back on. It was a reminder that I’m not just me, but a part of something greater. I haven’t even discovered my purpose yet. There’s so much world out there for me to face and so much more for me to experience. I’ve survived much more difficult things that this. I’m going to be okay.
I even reflected back on Sierra Boggess’s word/phrase for January (because of course I’m bringing it back to Sierra), which was “Be Curious.” I’ve allowed myself to take on some new challenges this year. I’ve even started learning more about makeup, partially as a new coping mechanism, but also because it’s something I’ve always wanted to do and the only thing stopping me was me. February’s word is “listen,” so I’ve been trying to be extra attentive to God’s call, especially when I think it’s about me being a part of His bigger plan.
Our old priest used to say that God has three responses to prayers when you ask for something, and those are, “Yes,” “Not right now,” or “I have something better planned.” I’m learning to accept the “I have something better planned,” for the times I need to remember I’m that single thread in a tapestry, a part of the grand design.
Oh dear I get way too honest on here sometimes. But another song I’ve grown remarkably fond of lately is Francesca Battistelli’s “If We’re Honest,” so as long as I’m helping at least one person with my words, I’ll keep writing them.
As always, you are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are.