Most people know about the general idea of grief. It’s almost always associated with death of some kind, be it family, a friend or a pet. Grief is actually defined as any sort of deep sorrow, which can open the door to many different types of grief. This has been a big concept in my therapy journey over the years.
I always had this image in my head of what could happen if things could be “resolved” somehow; I could have fun with my brother John. I could know my nieces. My family that’s written me off would accept me back into their lives. I’ve carried this image with me for several years, as I always felt it was MY responsibility to mend relationships that were fractured because of something that happened TO me, that my pain was the source of conflict so it would be my job to search for solutions.
I’ve realized recently that that isn’t the case. This is not something I need to be carrying on my shoulders.
Is it painful? Hell yeah. There are days I’m tempted to just throw myself at family’s feet begging for mercy and forgiveness for being the one to “break up the family.” Especially being back in Plainfield for the time being, memories hurt me every day. I’ve asked my current counselor and counselors past how I would go about repairing what’s been broken, again, as if the responsibility fell on my shoulders.
It really took seeing my new counselor about a year ago to shift that perspective; That isn’t my responsibility as the victim. Nothing that’s come of me speaking up is my fault, and that I’d likely be dead if I hadn’t said anything. I’m surrounded by my found family as opposed to the blood family that we’re taught is more important than anything in the world.
So of course, trying to cope with that is difficult. After years of feeling responsible but now realizing the ball is in the perpetrator’s court, there are a lot of things you have to let go of. My old counselor once told me that you learn that there’s a specific type of grieving that comes from releasing those ideas. I wouldn’t say I brushed that off necessarily, but it didn’t take up much space in my brain after that, until I saw one random tweet.
Prince Harry released his book this year. I don’t typically follow anything with the royals, but watching them stand up to the toxic behavior and break those generational curses felt so cathartic for me. I was scrolling through Twitter one day (because I’ll keep doing that until Elon fully destroys my favorite social media platform 😦 ) and a particular tweet caught my eye.
Someone was asking why Harry was speaking out against his family if he was wanting to mend his relationship with them, pointing out it seemed counterproductive. One of the replies, from a totally random person, pointed something out that resonated with me. I can’t find the specific tweet, but it said something along the lines of being in a place where you can’t separate the family you’re wanting from the family you have.
That hit me right in the gut.
What was it that I was trying to work toward? It wasn’t anything I ever had in the first place, so why was I chasing it so badly? It’s most likely coming from a place of blind optimism, but it certainly doesn’t make any sense.
I explained this to my current counselor and she introduced me to the idea of finding a way to find closure about the future. She could tell I looked a little confused and continued to explain that when you’ve held on to a thought of what your life should look like and you realize you can’t achieve it, coping with that realization can be overwhelming. She said that it is absolutely necessary to have the ability to grieve those ideas and come to terms with the future you’ll never have.
I know this sounds like a downer, I know a lot of the responses to this will be along the lines of “oh you never know what will happen, don’t give up hope!” With all due respect to those in my life, that’s something I have no interest in hearing. Trying to work toward that image has cost me years of agony and feeling like my life wouldn’t be whole until I achieved this. I understand people mean well when they say these things but I want to reiterate: That is not a response I want to hear.
As I grieve those images, I try and focus on the things that I DO have in my life. I of course have my “actual” family (blood related and such) but my found family saves me every single day. Being surrounded by people like Shaun, Sarah, Jordan, Shai, Jess, Leann and Jenny has kept me going in more ways than I can explain (and if you weren’t specifically mentioned, please don’t take that as a sign that you aren’t important to me. You absolutely are).
Grieving is a difficult thing to and “non-traditional” types of grieving certainly feel like uncharted territory. If that’s what you learn you need to do to protect yourself, though, know that I’m here with you every step of the way.
I love you and as always, you are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are.
Have fun working toward that future that you really want and will make your life feel fuller than you can ever imagine.
Rose’s Ramblings 