TW: Mentions of self-harm, suicide and sexual assault
I have a frequent recurring nightmare. Nightmares in general come with the territory when you have PTSD or similar struggles. No matter how used to the general idea I am, the variety in specifics always messed with me.
In these nightmares, I’m with older family members or other adults who were close with the family. The exposition and specifics vary, but it always includes me scream-crying some variation of “Please pay attention to me! I need help! Please help me!”
Now this is not to criticize any member of my family or any of the adults in my life. As I’ve learned from my new counselor, you only know what you know. As they’ve learned about what I’ve been through and the needs that stem from that, they’ve given me so much support.
This time in particular, the words “please pay attention to me” really stuck out in my brain. I recently went through a horrible mental health decline from about summer 2021 to about a few months ago when I changed my meds. When I’m in the thick of these phases, I very rarely ask for help.
And why is that? Because I’m always afraid I’m going to get hit with the “well she’s just looking for attention.”
The fear of being criticized keeps me from reaching out when I’m in dangerous places mentally. I’m always afraid to be bothering people, especially when I remember that everybody has their own battles going on. I never want to take time and attention away from loved ones when they have their own issues going on.
This then bubbles up into the self-harm and suicidal ideation phase. Like I’d be doing everyone a favor because they wouldn’t have to hear my whining. But then the weirdest thought will stop me in my tracks: “People will say I was just looking for attention.”
How fucked up is that?
It got me thinking about that phrase. “They’re just looking for attention.” “Why do people have to talk about these things?” “Well everyone suffers, this can’t be THAT bad.” Ironically, most of the time these comments come from the “just reach out when you’re having a bad time” crowd.
So I thought, what if when people are starting to show signs of the desperate or reckless behaviors we actually GAVE them attention? I’m not suggesting putting them on blast with a “PLEASE LOOK AT THIS SUFFERING PERSON AND HELP THEM” because that’s counterproductive. But we need to condition ourselves to take that step to reach out.
I recently had a friend who thought that I was suicidal when at the time, I wasn’t. I was having a hard time defending myself and it took everything in me not to snap, “if I was actually suicidal or hurting myself, you wouldn’t know.” Something I’ve learned from not only my own journey but the journey of friends is that the second that they actually want help (even if it’s subconscious) they’ll start being a little less careful about hiding what’s going on. Truer emotions will start to show. Scars will move to places that are harder to hide. They’ll start asking to make plans more than usual.
So if those signs start to become more visible, why not give them the extra attention? Why not take that step to reach out, even in the smallest way. We have to stop putting the ball in the court of the person in crisis, as sometimes they don’t even know how far they’ve fallen themselves. I’m aware these things are easier said than done but as someone whose life was saved because a friend stepped up when I was suffering, I cannot stress how important that is. (Shout out to Annie Farr, who I will forever be grateful for)
In particular, it’s SO IMPORTANT to pay attention to children when they start showing these signs. I don’t believe anyone would have known about my assault if I hadn’t explicitly said anything to anyone, but I’m also brought back to a time I was working with a child (who couldn’t have been any older than seven) who told me he wanted to kill himself. When I brought it to the attention of an authority figure, they told me to ignore it, as he was “just looking for attention.”
I repeat: HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?
Asking for attention in these times also needs to be destigmatized. Hearing this constantly just makes people feel unsafe or judged when reaching out.
Wrapping this up to remind you that you are enough, you are so enough, it is unbelievable how enough you are.
I’m rooting for you. Take up space. Don’t be afraid to ask for that attention.
Rose’s Ramblings 