Why I’ll Never be Able to Guard My Heart

Being a writer is so fun sometimes, including having a day where inspiration strikes so much that you write a blog entirely on your phone during tiny breaks during a day full of meetings.

For someone who hates Valentine’s Day (the date, not the general idea) it’s oddly fitting that I’m writing this now. 

img_0037
That’s a lot of hearts.

I’ve always been a bit of a daydreamer. Or a lot of one, depending on who you ask. It can sometimes come in handy being a writer while making me seem distracted in other aspects of my life. Whether it was at a younger age or at my old age of 24, it’s almost made itself a coping mechanism—another way to distract from some of the less kind thoughts. 

I’ve also always been a bit of a romantic. All jokes aside (especially with the darker humor) I believe in love and deep down (like DEEP down, past the PTSD) I do believe I’ll find it one day. Lately, it’s not been something I actively search for but rather things seem to “work out.”  As one might imagine, this plays right into the romantic thing, triggering plenty of “well this must be meant to be, then!” thoughts. I fall fast and I fall hard so when things don’t work out, I tend to take it a little bit harder than I should.  

The number one piece of advice I’ve been given while diving into yet another situation (even not romantic) where it’s looking like I’m being my daydreaming self is to guard my heart. From new friends to those that have been around forever, I can’t start something new without hearing that I need to “guard my heart” or “don’t get your hopes up.” I do my best and try to take their words into account but those are things I’ve never been able to do. 

I’m learning to be okay with that though. 

Yes it tends to hurt more when things don’t work out, but why shouldn’t I go into everything with my heart fully open? Isn’t that how we discover the best things in life? How else do you find the things or the people that you really and truly love if you don’t dive headfirst into new experiences and be open to what’s to come? Yeah, it bites me in the ass sometimes, but the ride is amazing while I’m there.

To me, as long as I’m taking care of myself when/if things go astray, I don’t understand why it’s so bad for me to give my heart to everything and everyone I can. I think we’ve all gotten a little too hard in this world. I know everyone has their different reasons, as people have been burned in all sorts of different ways but why not use the fuel of past pain to charge forward into something amazing?

If it works out, that’s fantastic! You’re a part of something great. If it doesn’t, that sucks. At least you learned something.

I’ve spent so long just hiding out in my apartment and refusing to experience new things, being afraid to meet new people because I didn’t want to get hurt since I know my tendency to throw myself into things with my whole heart but I’m done being that way. I don’t want to see my big heart as a character flaw anymore. I want to embrace it and even let it be one of the great things about who I am.

Isn’t being a human about learning these sorts of lessons anyway? I’m not saying I’m going to go running toward danger or definite heartbreak as a thing you learn very young is how to recognize signs that something isn’t good, but why not take some chances?

img_3288
Have a drink and laugh at something, or in my case here, do both. (Photo by Dean Gillette)

So here’s to having a big heart that guides your life. Here’s to loving the right people and sometimes the wrong people. Here’s to the nights you stay in and binge your favorite show. Here’s to the nights you’re bolder and go out and get drunk with your friends. Here’s to telling someone how you feel because maybe you won’t get that chance. You never know where life will take you or what will be thrown your way, and I see that as all the more reason to free your heart, send away its guards and live your life in the most loving way you possibly can.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s