Renewing My Enoughness

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Me, as of Oct. 19. In case you were wondering.

Usually at the end of every two months, you all get a blog post about how Sierra Boggess’s words of the month pertained to that specific month for me, but with my life recently and the words for September and October being “renew” and “enoughness” respectively, I thought I’d take it in a little different direction this time around. These past couple months have taught me about renewing my enoughness (which Sierra fully acknowledges is not a real word, but we’re rolling with it).

I also recognize that we’re a week into November so maybe some of this should technically fall into whatever my November/December blog is (November’s word is light, by the way!) but I think the lessons I’m learning have fallen into the beginning of November a little bit, so I’m going to be a little flexible, and not just because I’m late with writing my September/October blog.

Hey, it’s my blog. I make the rules. Don’t like it? Start your own blog. You can make the rules there.

September was relatively uneventful, other than navigating what being in a relationship is like again (who’d have thought I’d find someone to like me? Life’s wild) but I felt like I was put to the test once October started to come to a close. Around the end of the month, my mental health had its first dip in well over a year, and I had to figure out how to navigate a depressive episode while being a working adult.

It was scary because I hadn’t felt that low in such a long time. It was also a lesson in just how low I had felt for so long before I started to take my mental health seriously. I love my job, but I started to dread going to work. Getting out of bed was a challenge. I thankfully didn’t reach a point where I wanted to hurt myself, but I could feel myself shutting myself off from the world. Thankfully, I reached out to my counselor and worked out a solution and was able to fix things pretty quickly.

Then the first week of November hit, and I realized how thankful I was I’d taken care of my mental health before this week. For those that don’t know, I suffered a trauma as a child. I don’t discuss the details too publicly due to the context, but someone hurt me and it’s a weight I’ve carried for most of my life. There are times I wish I could just blurt it out to the world, or write a blog about it, but for now I know that’s not the best option for anyone involved.

I’ve been clinging to the hope of reconciliation with the person that hurt me these past few months. With how well things have been going in other aspects of my life, I thought if I could fix this one other thing, it might help me feel more at peace. I’ve spent the past few years praying to be able to forgive them, and all I’ve asked for is an apology. Unfortunately, I learned this week the only way they want to fix things is if I say I lied about what I’ve been through, and I apologize to them for falsely accusing them.

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My picture from last year’s Dear World photo shoot at Ball State. I was starting to feel stronger in relation to my trauma specifically at this time.

These past few days, I’ve felt so lost, like I’ve been wandering around with no destination. I’ve reached out to a Facebook group I’m a part of for strength and prayer (Catholic ladies, look for your local Blessed Is She group. It’s the bomb.) as I’m trying to find the strength to continue to pray for them, but it’s such a struggle. I’ve dealt with so many roadblocks life has thrown me, I’ve even dealt with wanting to be dead; This is a whole new kind of battle, though, as my hope for peace feels like it’s been slapped in face.

I’m not sure why I felt compelled to write about this when this is a struggle that’s been present in my life for so long. It’s likely that the impact of this blow has just knocked me off my feet so badly that I’m really scrambling here and I need people to understand my thought process a little more. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll feel compelled to share my full story publicly, but that’s not the solution for now–not when I still have to carry the hope for reconciliation, even though hope feels lost right now.

So I’ll keep repeating it for all of you as I’ve had to remind myself of it so many times in these past few weeks,

“YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE SO ENOUGH. IT IS UNBELIEVABLE HOW ENOUGH YOU ARE.”

Keep being strong. Keep being you. You are loved.

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